Words and phrases that we use affect how the conflict is resolved and how our partner perceives us. By being mindful of the language you use, you can improve communication, reduce hurt feelings and increase the chances of resolving conflicts positively. Here are five words and phrases you should avoid during conflicts with your partner to help you navigate these situations more effectively, according to Jordan Dann, Psychoanalyst and Relationship Coach.
1. “Nothing”
This might be a familiar piece of language if you are conflict-avoidant or stewing in contempt. If you are angry, or frustrated, and your partner asks you what’s going on, try to avoid responding with, “Nothing.”
If your partner responds with “nothing”, try taking a deep breath and offering, “It’s important to me to know how you’re feeling. When you’re ready to talk, I’m open to listening.”
2. “Whatever”
This is a diminishing, dismissing, and passive-aggressive word that minimizes your needs and your partner’s needs. Next time you’re on the receiving end of “whatever” try responding with, “When you say that to me feel you’re not interested in how I feel, or what I need, and that hurts me.” If this doesn’t soften your partner, see if you can take space and not escalate the conflict.
3. “Always” or “Never”
“You’re never on time.” “I always do the laundry.” “I always listen to you but you never listen to me.” Both of these words are rarely factual. When you use these words you objectify your partner and refute their ability to change and grow. If your partner feels this way they may resign to, “Why bother?” Let your partner know you have faith in their ability to take your needs/feelings seriously and respond.
4. “You are just like your (mom, dad, brother, etc)”
If you’re on the receiving end of this try taking a deep breath and responding with, “It really upsets me when you compare me to my dad.” Don’t escalate, just identify the hurt.
5. “You’re so sensitive” or “you take things so personally”
If you use these statements, you are dismissing your partner’s feelings. Be honest with yourself and investigate if these expressions might have more to do about your lack of capacity to be with your partner’s emotional experience, than with what your partner is expressing. Part of being in a relationship means caring about your partner’s attachment needs and emotional experience; exchanging judgment for curiosity.
